The Testing of Faith and Obedience

This past week has been one of the most emotionally/spiritually chaotic weeks I've experience so far here in Kenya. As some of you might have read in a previous post, I was praying about taking one of my girls back to the States with me. I found myself not being able to be at peace about separating her from her siblings and her home....but questioning if I was being selfish if I let that get in the way of her living a "comfortable" (good, healthy, happy, better) lifestyle in America and the chance to be her mommy. I was torn in two. I didn't have peace about the future, when I would have to come back with her next year and having to say goodbye. It would definitely be a harder goodbye than the one I have to go through next month. "Abba, what do You want me to do? I am willing to do whatever You ask of me. I just want to bring glory to You, my sweet Jesus. I am willing to surrender it all. I am willing to give up my "teenage/youth/YOLO" life in order to be obedient to this task of being a mommy to this child. Just please...give me clarity and peace concerning this," were the thoughts that I found myself writing in my prayer journal (p.s. the YOLO part was a joke).

This past Tuesday I got on the computer and started looking into flights, example of a parental consent letter, and the requirements of obtaining a Kenyan passport. I had been praying, "Abba, if You want me to take this child home...please let there be an open seat on the same flight I'm on." And there was! There was an open seat on the same flight I'm taking back home, and the price was reasonable. The price of the flight ticket for a child was $1,283.06 (I still can't afford it but it was alot cheaper than $2,300!). I began asking my friends and family back home to be praying and if they would be willing to donate money in order to cover the cost. And man, how He provides! In just a few days, I had a handful of people who were willing to give to help the cause! And I know of countless more friends and family who would be able to help out as well. The money issue was no longer a worry at this point. OUR GOD IS ABLE to do more than what we ask or think. This I have witnessed. Tuesday night I obeyed my mom and sat down and talked to Kellie about the idea of bring Abigail or Chella to the States and asked for her advice and input. Kellie then let Michael know.

Wednesday I went to Eldoret and stopped by the Immigration Office to pick up a form (the passport application) and ask a few questions. I got the application and got to talk to a kind sir who was very helpful. I asked if it was possible to get a passport for a young child of age 3..even if she didn't have an identification card or any of the other requirements. I asked how the process works and how long it would take. How much it would cost and if the mother had to be there at the office when everything was being processed. He answered all my questions. The cost was only Sh. 4,500 = which amounts to just about $54. It would only take two weeks to be done. The mother doesn't have to be there, but he advised me to bring her anyways..just to be safe. He told me that as long as I had the parent's consent letter it would be fine. He helped me looking through the application. I left the building thinking...ok LORD, it's a possibility. This could really work out. But do You want me to do this? Is this what You want me to do?

I walk to Baker's Point cafe (the fastest wifi connection in town) and sit down. I've been poured on and I'm freezing cold. I message my sister, my bestfriend Ana, and my mom. I try skyping with my dear friend Kiki (Cristina). No answer. No reply. I start feeling very discouraged. As if there is a heavy storm going through my heart and mind. I finally get in contact with my mom. I get to video chat with her. I tell her what I found out at the Immigration Office. And I start telling her of how torn I am about choosing between Abigail and Chella and how I don't want to separate them. How torn I am about the future. It hurts me now, just to think about saying goodbye and not being able to see them every week. It kills me to think about next year...when I would have to come back with the child and having to depart then. It would be an even harder goodbye. And my mother felt the same way. Me taking Abigail or Chella home with me this year would do more harm than good. So my mom and I just agreed on that I would come back to Kenya and see them again.

After that video chat conversation with my mom, I felt as a burden had been lifted. I felt at peace about our decision. I will not be taking my baby girl back to the States with me, but I will come back and be with her and the rest of my girls (and the rest of my kids! All 17 of the kids I get to love on each day at the Children's Home and the 67 students I have). So now I'm just praying about coming back next year. Hoping to find a job back home so I can raise up some more money. But again....I trust that He will provide. He is able to provide what is needed and so much more.   

So this is what He has taught me and how I feel about this whole situation:

I feel like this situation was testing of my faith and obedience. I feel refreshed by His loving discipline. Although I feel like I failed on this test in so many ways, He is teaching me how to remain strong, steadfast under trail, and to always go to Him for wisdom and guidance.      

Its no wonder James wrote, "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting..." -James 1:2-6a.

"Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love Him." -James 1:12

I stand amazed and in awe of all that He is. I came across Psalm 94 yesterday and I love what He showed me through it.

"When I thought, “My foot slips,” Your steadfast love, O Lord, held me up. When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul." -Psalm 94:18-19.

"But the Lord has become my stronghold, and my God the rock of my refuge." -Psalm 94:22.

When I felt like I was slipping and failing, His steadfast love held me up. Even when I have all these thoughts and worries, when the cares of my heart are many, He cheers my soul. His consolations bring comfort to my heart and mind. He gives me His perfect peace. I can now say that I am at peace about this situation. I can sleep well at night and not have to worry about worldly things.

A dear friend of mine, Caro A, encouraged me to go back to the Gospel of John and re-read chapter 17. I was reminded me of a few characteristics of Jesus and the Father that I had forgotten/never really paid much attention to. 

The text is so rich that I'm just going to post the whole chapter for you to read and then I'll talk about it in another blogpost later on. So enjoy and I hope He speaks to you through this chapter in Scripture.

The High Priestly Prayer  

"When Jesus had spoken these words, He lifted up His eyes to heaven, and said,

“Father, the hour has come; glorify Your Son that the Son may glorify You, since You have given Him authority over all flesh, to give eternal life to all whom You have given Him. And this is eternal life, that they know You the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent. I glorified You on earth, having accomplished the work that You gave Me to do. And now, Father, glorify Me in Your own presence with the glory that I had with You before the world existed.

 “I have manifested Your name to the people whom You gave Me out of the world. Yours they were, and You gave them to Me, and they have kept Your word. Now they know that everything that You have given Me is from You. For I have given them the words that You gave Me, and they have received them and have come to know in truth that I came from You; and they have believed that You sent Me. I am praying for them. I am not praying for the world but for those whom You have given Me, for they are Yours. All Mine are Yours, and Yours are Mine, and I am glorified in them. And I am no longer in the world, but they are in the world, and I am coming to You. Holy Father, keep them in Your name, which You have given Me, that they may be one, even as We are one. While I was with them, I kept them in Your name, which You have given Me. I have guarded them, and not one of them has been lost except the son of destruction, that the Scripture might be fulfilled. But now I am coming to You, and these things I speak in the world, that they may have My joy fulfilled in themselves. I have given them Your word, and the world has hated them because they are not of the world, just as I am not of the world. I do not ask that You take them out of the world, but that you keep them from the evil one. They are not of the world, just as I am not of the world. Sanctify them in the Truth; Your word is Truth. As You sent me into the world, so I have sent them into the world. And for their sake I consecrate Myself, that they also may be sanctified in Truth.

“I do not ask for these only, but also for those who will believe in Me through their word, that they may all be one, just as You, Father, are in Me, and I in You, that they also may be in Us, so that the world may believe that You have sent Me. The glory that You have given Me I have given to them, that they may be one even as We are one, I in them and You in me, that they may become perfectly one, so that the world may know that You sent Me and loved them even as You loved Me. Father, I desire that they also, whom You have given Me, may be with Me where I am, to see My glory that You have given Me because You loved me before the foundation of the world. O righteous Father, even though the world does not know You, I know You, and these know that You have sent Me. I made known to them Your name, and I will continue to make it known, that the love with which You have loved Me may be in them, and I in them.” -John 17:1-26.

 

I want to thank all of you who were willing to donate and help cover the cost of bringing my sweet girl home with me. I pray that our beautiful and mighty God would bless you for your willingness to help. You have no idea the impact you have made in my life and walk with Christ this week. The LORD has shown me how blessed I am to have friends and family like you. It's always so encouraging to know that I have you all to support me, not only concerning financial matters, but also in spiritual battle. You have no idea how much your prayers count and make a difference. I can feel Him answer your prayers. So with a grateful heart, I thank you all. I pray that you would continue to pray for me and all that He is doing here in Kenya.

Prayer Requests:

For the 17 kids in our Children's Home.

For the Church here in Kenya.

For me and my last month here that He would continue to open opportunities to bring Him glory and others to Himself.

For Him to prepare me for my departure. That He would continue to give me His strength to keep running this race. That I would boldly proclaim His Gospel even more when I get back to Miami.

For the possibility of coming back next year. That He would open doors and provide what is needed.